By Simon Hughes, Vice Chair BVEP
Having lived through a version of ‘The Thick of It’ for 10 years as a civil servant, I have always admired the work of Armando Iannucci, so you can bet I’ll be booking a ticket to watch ‘The Death of Stalin’ when it comes out. Taking on a story about the death of one of the most blood soaked dictators in history and finding a place for humour in that tale requires a brilliant script, some fantastic actors and sensitive direction. Sadly I don’t have access to any of those things but curiously find myself pondering on the comedy potential that might lie ahead of us all at the end of March 2019. Just imagine – no Brexit deal and Tom Daley has been wheeled out around all the major media outlets to explain how dangerous diving off a cliff actually is.
Luckily – and in a real testament to British pluck – Chris Grayling has managed to galvanise his new department (DV&P – Department of Verges and Parks) into action ahead of time which has resulted in an absolute glut of kale and early spring greens. The riots led by dog walkers over the loss of every green space in the UK to food production have tailed off once they realised that the drastic reduction in fuel imports means that they can now safely stroll along most major roads without fear of seeing any cars or trucks. Cycling and walking have now become the major modes of transport, which has led to a drastic reduction in demands on the NHS. Although Michael Gove hails this as proof of the savings predicted by the Brexit campaign, his arch nemesis Boris (now in exile as Governor of the British Virgin Islands) claims that it’s the lack of airplanes that has made the real difference.
Oddly Michael O’Leary, recently installed as the new Secretary of State for Transport, agrees with Boris as he launches the British Swimming Association’s Channel Swimming Programme. In the first mass swim exercise since 95% of all flights to the UK were cancelled, 1,800 swimmers set off from Dover to France. Sadly several of their support launches founder as they’ve been overloaded with too much currency and too many visa forms. Despite this setback O’Leary hails the first swim as a huge success, ignoring the fact that most of the swimmers involved end up being held in a detention centre set up by the French on the site of the infamous Jungle. “C’est ironique!” says the Mayor of Calais.
The collapse of all the political parties which preceded the final Brexit negotiation round has been broadly welcomed by the British public, who thoroughly enjoyed Simon Cowell’s intervention with a prime time X-Factor style programme to select the new coalition of people to run things. Ant and Dec, newly installed at No 10 as joint leaders, have wasted no time in sending most of the members of both front benches off to Australia for an extended version of “I’m a former politician – get me out of here!” Viewing figures are smashed when Theresa May is caught cuddling up to Jeremy Corbyn in the hope of avoiding another bush tucker trial.eanwhile in a stroke of sheer genius the new Home Secretary Bradley Walsh has closed all the prisons and re-assigned inmates to work in the re-named You’re Not on the List Agency which has replaced the Border Agency. As Walsh remarked “We are now giving people from around the world the weirdest welcome of all.” Oddly enough immigration numbers have now plummeted. Graham Norton, now in his new role as UK Social Secretary, is still reeling after setting a new Guinness World Record for the biggest party of all time after hosting 10 consecutive party nights at the O2 to celebrate granting free UK citizenship to all EU citizens working in the UK. Claiming that his time working in restaurants made him really understand the meaning of hospitality, he’s now planning the world’s biggest line dance up the M1 to help cheer up all the folk in Scotland that wanted to stay in the EU.
Whilst most of Europe remains bemused by the good humour and general sense of fun being exhibited by the population of the UK at this unexpected turn of events, Greece has announced that it has invited Prince Phillip and the Queen to take them over as a British colony. Promising a ban on German tourists and free keftedes every Thursday, the Greeks have also announced an exclusive deal with the Royal Navy to ferry British holiday makers direct to their islands in an extended summer season offer. This has galvanised the new Foreign Secretary Stormzy to sign up for some exploratory gigs in both Catalonia and Provence. “They like what we’re doing freedom wise so I’m going to take the message to them straight!” The FCO refused to comment, as they are still trying to figure out who Stormzy is. You have to laugh.